January 7th, 2010 – late evening
… On the way home from the office I was shown (so I could literally see with my physical eyes) a hard surface that covered my body that looked very much like armor. I would have thought it was “spiritual armor” except the Holy Spirit spoke within me saying: “Do you see that? That is ‘can do.’ That’s enemy territory.””
I only had a one mile trip to drive home. I was at a stop light at about 11:00 at night. For months I had been so excited, filled with the pleasure of Christ’s presence, with the Faithful One living in me, and with the fervent expectation of the coming victory through the very Person of Christ (over the child sacrifice that was taking place in His Church) filling my chest. I knew that I knew with absolute certainty, that He, Victory was near. For several days, I had been challenging friends and especially old “pro-life warriors” that I was reconnecting with “Where do you want to be on the day child sacrifice comes to an end?”
Yet, now, by the time I reached home, in a matter of minutes, my soul was plunged into a state of deep travail in prayer that lasted all night long. I could not sleep, but tossed and turned over this troubling Word of “enemy territory” that so nearly covered me from head to toe. I had no idea it had been there, and no indication of what “to do” about it.
January 8th, 2010 – I met Jesus the 2nd time in my life, & this time, as I looked through His eyes as He hung on the Cross.
My wife and I had come to express any spiritual dilemma with a fundamentally circular nature as a “swirly.” An example of this is “humbling ourselves.” To be successful at such an endeavor as humbling oneself can draw up a more subtle and insidious form of pride, as we become pleased and even proud of how humble we have become, simply at the true experience and the self-aware recognition of this new genuine sense of true humility now present in our lives.
We had the privilege to care for mentally handicapped adults for a couple of years as house parents. One of our ladies, “Carrie,” enjoyed the occasional pleasure of cooling off with great sensation caused by sticking her head upside down into a toilet bowl and flushing it. This too was called a “swirly.”
In prayer and great travail throughout the night, the soul-searching effort, looking for what “to do” to be freed from “can do” seemed as hopeless, fruitless and dizzying as humbling myself in my early discipleship years. I may as well have been sticking my head upside down in a toilet bowl, “Carrie style.”
By morning, I reached the conclusion that the greater the calling and purpose in one’s life, the greater the stronghold would be discovered of enemy territory and enemy resources at work to prevent the fulfillment of Christ’s work from being done. And the lack of Victory was actually a lack of knowing (of epignosis – relationship knowledge) Christ Himself, meaning greater guilt on the part of the called/chosen ones for having lived in an unholy state of peaceful, blissful ignorance, in the presence of the enemy, and at great cost to others who suffered due to this lack of maturity. In this case, once again, I confessed my great guilt, as I must be the worst of sinners before my Father in Heaven in terms of child sacrifice. I imagined confessing my guilt before pastors and pro-life leaders regarding the delay of His Victory over the shedding of innocent blood in their midst…
…It took me 3 years to understand Jesus called for me when He said “Eli! Eli! …” and this was what God meant months earlier when The Holy Spirit instructed me to give away my business and had said “Now is the time, bring my children back into the Body of Christ.”
Suddenly, I felt my soul lifted up as though having a vision, and I was looking out the eyes of our Saviour on the cross. The vision was quite clear. I could see it was dark outside, there were campfires, smoke, people walking around on a lower area covered with protruding stones and dirt. I couldn’t see any faces though.
I felt the odd feeling of being held in place, being firmly fixed at my heart in line with His. Yet my body and head felt like a rag doll, flopping, floating, not quite lined up either with His eyes or His feet. Soon I felt a smirk begin to emerge on His face. In wonder and joy, I considered His mind, sensing the joy set before Him as our Saviour was preparing to say “Here am I, and the children You have given me.” in the presence of His Father in Heaven, and to say “It is finished.” regarding His work on the cross…
My wife sat up quickly and exclaimed at that moment: “Joe, you need to get the kids off to school, you’re late!!!” As I went in to the bathroom to get showered, I noticed Christ’s smirk was glowing cheerfully on my face as I looked in the mirror. As I showered I was shown once again a vision of Christ, this time of His feet, nailed to the cross and I heard His voice within:
“Lay the children at My feet and confess you can’t do it.” My heart responded and I saw a pool of blood with an aborted child in it. 2 more drops of blood fell, one from each of Christ’s feet and mingled with the blood of the other children. Suddenly I began to vomit, not from my stomach, but from my lungs and with dry heaves for several minutes. It was so incredibly awful and I felt something choking my throat.
In silent heartache, I was soon dropping my children off at school and going back into the Survivor’s offices. No longer as the “We are going to win!” overpowering person they were accustomed to, but silent, broken, perplexed and in travail. “What did God want from me?” (Believe it or not, I did not wake up for nearly 3 more years that Christ had actually drawn me back into His body on the cross by crying out “Eli! Eli! Lema sabachthani?“)
And He did so that I would come to Him with the children the Father had given me in the gift of having His heart for children, since I was 19 years old. This was why God had told me to give away my business months earlier. Because it was “impossible” for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. This is what He meant when He said “Now is the time, bring My children back into the Body of Christ.” And the Reason “why” we gave away our last dollars several times in the short time since giving away our family business months earlier.